Things I worry about as I get older.
*Yes, I am this shallow*
No need for judgements...

1) Will I have good looking children? I'm pretty sure I will, but if I don't; will I still love them? No really. I don't want my kids to be losers. I know what that feels like (kinda) and it sucks. I don't need that kind of embarassment.

2) What will I look like when I forced to cut my long hair? Old ladies look awful with long hair, but I havent had short hair, well pretty much ever. So what the shit? Oh God, I hope someone doesn't give me that roller-fro.

3) Teeth. For the love of God what will happen to my teeth. Will they become those browny-yellow teeth? Ewww, will I have spittle in the corners of my mouth that look like jizz? PLEASE NO! Oh lord...dentures.

4) Will someone take care of me? I have a grandma who has the longest stache a woman has ever posessed...ever. Will my children or grandchildren be kind enough to take me to get that shit waxed? Fuck it, Ill take a damn Bic Razor and regulate. Will they let my brows grow grey and bushy? Will they take me to get my hair did?

5) Am I going to poop my pants? This is saddest thought of all. Not all people lose control, but I worry that I may be one of them. If I shat myself I would be so grossed out and totally embarassed. What if no one cleaned me up? Oh the horror.

6) What if I die alone? I am too cute to be a cat lady. On the real. Way too cute. But I could be, and that freaks me out. I dont want to have a litter box full of cat poop. I dont want to live in a trailer with the cats and the litter box full of cat poop...and urine.

7) Will I be smelly? Some old people smell rank. Mostly those who pee/deuce their pants. I dont want to have that old person smell. Its awful. They smell like hospital food/mold/urine/deuce/forgotten about. I cant be that girl.

8) Will I have some sort of weird-o collection? Garden gnomes? Porcelein figurines? Magnets? God, I hope the only thing I am collecting is a pension and social security!

9) Obese. I dont question that. I already know that.

10) How old will I be the last time I have sex? Will I know it is the last time? Will I be sad? This is the most depressing thought ever. Booo.

Why I miss being a skanky college girl...

1) I was always getting ass.



Oh, you expected there to be more?



2) I was always getting random NSA hot ass.

Thats all I got. I dont think this topic needs much more elaboration.

10 Reasons why I hate (and you should too) My Ex!

10) He has serious halitosis. I realize this is a medical problem. I am fully aware that this is a definite hindurance in some peoples social lives, however, he has halitosis because he is anorexic some days and bulimic the rest of the days of the week. Yep thats right his breath is rank due to reminents of hurl and lack of nutrition...YUM! He is a big dude (not fat nor overly muscular) who thinks like a little bitch. Mind you, he has absolutely no intention of ever cutting back on the booze. Hmmm...wonder why you are gaining weight? bitch.

9) He goes commando. Ultimately, I think this is rad for most people and pretty fucking hot. However, when you go commando and have not yet mastered butt wiping and there are actual skids in your pants...you really should consider wearing boxers, if not a diaper. Especially when you wear the same jeans, with the same skids (just building deeper, darker, ones on top of the day before's) for like 5 days straight. Nope Im not making this up nor exaggerating. Its fucking gross. Youre getting down and dirty, pants are coming off and out of the corner of your eye you see his pants on the floor full of shit. OMG. Its even grosser when I type it out.

8) He cuts his toe nails and then puts them in his mouth once they are off. I could see if he bit them off himself...everyone is guilty of chewing on their nails once in a while, but to actually cut the nail off with clippers and then put it in your mouth is a whole new and delightful situation. He did this with the dead skin he would cut off as well. Oh how I miss our lazy Sunday afternoons!

7) He chews, dips...whatever the fuck its called. He takes heaps of that whacky tabacky and creates a look that only Bubba Gump's mother could love. The way he looked is not what bothered me...the constant spitting was nauseating. Not to mention his morning phlegm (yeah I dont know how to spell that word) routine where he would conjur mucus up until it was no longer filled with chew.

6) He rocked in High School. This kid was the shit...seriously. At least thats what he'd tell me every...single...day...WHOFUCKINGCARES? His class consisted of 80 people, I would hope he was cool. I have been to his town, I have seen his friends...being cool there is not having a kid by the time you are 20 and being able to chug like 18 beers in like 3 hours (puking acceptable). Hey, Al Bundy called, he wants his glory days back.

5) I get it, guys like to/thinks its still funny to fart. Sometimes, it is pretty funny, depending on the situation. Farting while you are at my house eating dinner with my family (grandparents included) is not hilarious, its disgusting and embarassing. Once is an accident...twice...youre just fucked up.

4) His family made me pay for my Thanksgiving dinner plate at FAMOUS DAVES BBQ. Yep, thats where we spent Thanksgiving last year. When the bill came, his uncle grabbed the check (he paid for everyone) and made me and his cousins fiance pay. Areyoufuckingmeintheasswiththis???? Yep, Happy Thanksgiving you redneck hick. BTW...boyfriend...was broke so he didnt even stand up to say anything for me and watched me pay.

3) He has this weird obsession with buttholes. Im stopping there.

2) He liked to...cuddle. Ok..OOOk...OK! I know in retrospect that aspect of him is really not that bad. BUT (You know this is going to be a big one) he had to cuddle ALL OF THE TIME. Going to bed, waking up, watching tv, at a movie, at a bar (yep, at a bar), at the mall, in the car...you name the place and he was all up on this. It was barfy. I cant really blame him though, I am F-I-N-E!!!!

1) Finally, he loved to play with his nipples. Kind of like the cuddling thing, it did not matter where we were, he was playing with his nips. Rubbing them, petting them, flicking them, pinching them...the kid loved his nips. Sure, nips feel good when played with (especially by someone else) but did he really have to play tune in tokyo in front of my mom? I think not. I guess I will just never understand his infatuation with his own nipples. I really do not want to either.

Why I hate the men (and some questionable women) in my office

** _ _ denotes initials

1) _ _ He is the Asian version of Stalin mixed with a young Alex P. Keaton stepping into the GAP. He is a micro-managing sonofabitch. I swear to god this guy sits in his office all day long making his fucking tea (not a racial slur, the actual truth) while devising new ways to make my job here suck even more until I finally cry. (I cry every morning on my way to work and every night on the way home, but Ill be damned if this fucktard sees me cry at work.)

2) _ _ He is the Asian version of White Goodman and Patrick Swayze casually storming/gliding around the office in his mock turtleneck straight outta the "International Male" catalogue while threatening to "kick someones ass" every 3.43 minutes. He openly defies the rules I set (I own the HR dept in my company) because he...well...hates me and talks more shit about me than any bitch did in high school. Good luck my friend being a hateful prick for th rest of your angry life.

3) _ _ Nope, not Jesus Christ, but this kid walks around like he is. Holy Jew Fro Batman. Can I also tell you that one time on a casual Friday this fuckface came into the office with...with...with....yes...a half zip, white spandex bicycling shirt on? OHMYGOD. And he thinks he is better than me? Take your horse gums and rank cologne and go fuck yourself.

4) _ _You are a convicted ped. You know I know this. So, with that knowledge, why do you insist on closing my office door when you need to talk to me? Oh wait...I shouldnt be upset...Im too old for him. But his third chin like lip syncs with his mouth...which might be cool...if I didnt know he was a ped.

5) _ _ This "woman" is the reason I can never use the washroom. (I have done studies and taken surveys.) She is THE (see washroom post) ghost shitter, booger wiper, pee pee dropper, potty talker, skid leaving, jungle bush- hood rat who infringes her right to be nasty upon every single woman in the office. She should have to go take her lunches in the dumpster so she can feel how the rest of feel when we are hungry or feeling good and then have to walk into her world of gross.

6) _ _ Welcome to America...15 years ago. Do you think you could maybe try to learn the language now? Especially since you run an entire department??? I lied when I told him I was a little deaf, I just feel bad always saying...what? What? WHAT!?! Xoxyodogjlkf to you too AG!

7) _ _ Im sorry that you feel like the world owes you. I realize you are black and have had a terrible life of discrimination. I dont care though. I dont want to hear your constant bitching about being black. Guess what...Im a Jew...we are hated too. So shutthefuckup because I dont owe you shit. Either does my company...we are equal opportunity employers. Dizamn my nizzle.

8) aaaaaahhhhh which brings me back to #1. I forgot to add that he has champagne bottles of apple cider in his office. L O S E R. Grow a set, buy some scotch and drink like a man. Or more like a legend...Ron Burgandy that is. Scotch, Scotch, Scotch...I love Scotch.

9) _ _ . I was a special education major for part of college. You absolutely do have fetal alcohol syndrome. Im sorry to have to be the one to break the bad news to you: Youre mom, well, she liked the sauce.

10) _ _ OH. MY. GOD. You are the epitome of every single Mexican joke there ever was. Have some pride ese. You are letting your amigos y tu familia down. You could make something of yourself, but you wont because you are too busy being a vato. Youre stupid.

The Dude (A man in my building who does some work for me.)
Why he creeps me out:

10) The Dude has this mysterious Pedophile - sans moustache look to him. Im not sure that if he cut his hair and shaved his beard that I would know who he was. Creeps me out because he so looks like the type of man that would shut my office door, cover my mouth with a dirty rag, and stick his......ok well you get the point.

9) The Dude is sneaky. He just appears outta no where (like gotchyourass bitch) He is stealth, I never hear him approaching or departing for that matter. I think he is secretly a ninja in his spare time.

8) The Dude never looks away from me. I can feel him undressing me with his eyes. He has a smirk on his face when he does it too, and one time, he licked his lips. He also has a cigarette after every time he leaves my office. He fucks me in his mind...I need a shower STAT.

7) The Dude has a really high pitched laugh. Its unnatural for a man to laugh like that. Its sneaky and womanly...I seriously need a shower from his dirty thoughts and girly laugh.

6) The Dude always shuts the door when he enters my office. (Mind you, my office door is never shut.) I am waiting for him to lick me or something. He seems like he is totally capable of that without feeling shame. I feel like he escaped from somewhere...

5) The Dude loves to lick his yellow teeth. Weird.

4) The Dude's fingernails are pretty long. I think he picks his nose with his pinky, he looks like one of those guys.

3) The Dude loves to talk shit about all the men in my office. Its like he is campaigning for himself. He likes to put them down and throw out one of his superior skills. "Justin is a pompous ass. I have my own mailing company and Im only 44, how do you feel about that?" I feel great. Im really pumped for you. Go back to your office in the basement now please.

2) The Dude always invites me to the basement, "If you ever need anyone to talk to..." If I ever need anyone to talk to I will talk to my family, friends, co-workers, strangers on the subway and any most other mutants before I choose to converse with you on a personal level.

1) The Dude smells funny. Not in a weird way, but like a moth-bally, paper filled, ck One kinda way. Just not pleasant. Its like he is trying too hard to cover up his natural stench, which obviously cant be good because CK One smells like a butthole filled with bleach.

Why I wont use the "Ladies" Room at work...

10) Apparently I got some bitches who stand when they pee where I work because I find drops of urine all over the place. On the seat, on the floor, on the stall wall, next to the toliet, dried on the side of toliet, on the front of the tank....these are not women, they are animals.

9) Ladies, and I use this term very loosely, leaving large bowel movements in the toliet without even thinking of giving it the initial flush. (These are bowel movements that take at least 2 if not 3 flushings.) First off ladies dont poop, let alone drop bombs, but they especially aren't supposed to be proud enough to put their crap on display for the rest of the ladies to find. Holy Gross Batman.

8) Dried boogers on the stall wall. I wish I was lying. Seriously, there is toliet paper to your right and you have the gaul and audacity to pick your nose and wipe it where other people are forced to stare at it? (Not only is there tp to dispense your snot in, but the femine waste basket is on the right of you, you lazy apes.) I give you props though for not picking your nose in front of me. At least you did it behind closed doors you pig.

7) Skids. I know that you eat fried food everyday whether it be in the form of MacDonalds, Taco Bell, Popeyes, Scooters...whatnot...but your dumps are soooo bad that they leave skids every single solitary day? Cant you just keep flushing till these skids dissapear? No, I realize that would take some courtesy and effort on your fat asses part.

6) I get it. I really do. Some ladies just dont give a fuck about maintaining their pubic region. But if your pubes are so long and plentiful that they shed all over the floor and toliet seat, could you please take some scissors, or a weed whacker, and trim that up so the rest of us don't hurl when we walk into a stall? The last thing I want to see, well besides your massive deuce and skids is you knappy pubes. The 1970's called, they want their bush back.

5) Most people don't mind or are used to the smell of their own fecal matter. I however, mind the smell of your feces. I purchase lysol and yet you refuse to use it. I frequently walk down the hall where the bathrooms are and spray the hell outta the hallway because you cows cant spray your shit stench away. Thank you for making me suffocate on the smell of lysol and your ass.

4) The ladies who converse while dumping are absolutely apalling. Its although you are not at all embarassed of the ungodly sounds that are exiting your bodasciously ginormous body and the smell that you are producing seeping through the stall and the door to the hallway. Yet, you chat as though you are making coffee together. How dare you carry on as though you arent making the rest of us totally naseous.

3) The serious lack of handwashing. I know who you are. Stop it, just stop it. It takes 30 seconds to wash your hands. Youre nasty.

2) The smell of dirty vagina. I have never smelled beasts worse than the combination of like 7 of you. You all get your rag at the same time and even just walking by where you sit makes me want to throw myself out of the window. How is it that you cannot smell yourself? The bathroom is 2 stalls big, surely you can smell your odor in there. If you only knew how bad you smelled you would stop placing your dirty pons in the femmy wastebasket and flush those toxic fuckers.

1) The lack of toliet sheaths makes me so sad. It saddens me so much that I cannot even bear to use the "ladies" room. I hold my pee until I get home or go to lunch for fear of being touched by a pube, seeing a left-over Huxtable drop-off, having the dirty vagina stench stick to me, looking at dried boogers, or having to step around pee droplets.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Why I hate the grocery store.

10) ...Spandex is a privledge not a right Bitch, if I wanted to see your ass cheese I would simply ask. Thank you for inspiring me to work even harder at not being you in 10 years. I realize that the only time you have to go grocery shopping is between jazzercising and junior's soccer practice but the least you could do is keep an extra set of sweats in the car to cover up in. I just said No to lunch today. (Gross)

9) ...The annoying little fucktard who stares at me everytime I walk in...well not just me but anything with tits (even mama jazzercise). You need to get out more son. Studying for the GED has got to be tough but every once in a while spice up your life and head back out to the playground. I'm sure they remember you...

8) ...The middle-aged man who always elbows me in the salad bar line. For God's sake man, chill out. I promise I will not take all the hard-boiled eggs or even drop a green pepper in the cheese, just quit with the ovary jabs. The lady comes to re-stock every 4.3 minutes during lunch, there is no need to prevent me from having babies some day because you are rude and impatient.

7)...The wanna-be yuppie bitches that pick up every single sushi case agonizing over which case looks the best. Hello? Is somebody in there? YOU ARE BUYING SUSHI AT DOMINICKS!!!! Stop trying to be pretentious.

6)...The mulleted check out lady. I hate you. You hold up the line by blabbering to every single customer like they give a shit about your cat or your hemroids. We do not care. We are there to purchase food not listen to you whine. Also, I dont care if you like what Im eating, I didnt ask for your opinion.

5)...The other mulleted check out lady. You are almost as bad as the one above, but you at least try to comb your mullet and make yourself presentable to 2005. I like your gold hoops too so that just gives you hella brownie points above Sue. (I seriously hate Sue.)

4)...Rotisserie Chicken. Enough said.

3)...The serious lack of Baked Lays. Whattheshit? Those are my favorite chips and you refuse to carry small bags of them. You will carry flaming hot cheetos in small bags, but not baked lays? That is a big FUCK YOU to the Dominicks in LB.

2)...People who leave their empty carts in a parking spot. I have to get out of my car, move your cart, and then park, holding up at least 3 other cars while I do this. I seriously hope your car is the next car I "accidentally" hit with a shopping cart asshole.

1)...Seeing my grandma at the grocery store. I can't stand her. She freaks me out. I hate the grocery store because I always fear I will see her there. When I do see her, I really do run. She has seen me do this. I pretended, when she called later, that I got my period. I was almost done shopping too. Bitch, why did you have to move to my town???