The Dude (A man in my building who does some work for me.)
Why he creeps me out:

10) The Dude has this mysterious Pedophile - sans moustache look to him. Im not sure that if he cut his hair and shaved his beard that I would know who he was. Creeps me out because he so looks like the type of man that would shut my office door, cover my mouth with a dirty rag, and stick his......ok well you get the point.

9) The Dude is sneaky. He just appears outta no where (like gotchyourass bitch) He is stealth, I never hear him approaching or departing for that matter. I think he is secretly a ninja in his spare time.

8) The Dude never looks away from me. I can feel him undressing me with his eyes. He has a smirk on his face when he does it too, and one time, he licked his lips. He also has a cigarette after every time he leaves my office. He fucks me in his mind...I need a shower STAT.

7) The Dude has a really high pitched laugh. Its unnatural for a man to laugh like that. Its sneaky and womanly...I seriously need a shower from his dirty thoughts and girly laugh.

6) The Dude always shuts the door when he enters my office. (Mind you, my office door is never shut.) I am waiting for him to lick me or something. He seems like he is totally capable of that without feeling shame. I feel like he escaped from somewhere...

5) The Dude loves to lick his yellow teeth. Weird.

4) The Dude's fingernails are pretty long. I think he picks his nose with his pinky, he looks like one of those guys.

3) The Dude loves to talk shit about all the men in my office. Its like he is campaigning for himself. He likes to put them down and throw out one of his superior skills. "Justin is a pompous ass. I have my own mailing company and Im only 44, how do you feel about that?" I feel great. Im really pumped for you. Go back to your office in the basement now please.

2) The Dude always invites me to the basement, "If you ever need anyone to talk to..." If I ever need anyone to talk to I will talk to my family, friends, co-workers, strangers on the subway and any most other mutants before I choose to converse with you on a personal level.

1) The Dude smells funny. Not in a weird way, but like a moth-bally, paper filled, ck One kinda way. Just not pleasant. Its like he is trying too hard to cover up his natural stench, which obviously cant be good because CK One smells like a butthole filled with bleach.

Why I wont use the "Ladies" Room at work...

10) Apparently I got some bitches who stand when they pee where I work because I find drops of urine all over the place. On the seat, on the floor, on the stall wall, next to the toliet, dried on the side of toliet, on the front of the tank....these are not women, they are animals.

9) Ladies, and I use this term very loosely, leaving large bowel movements in the toliet without even thinking of giving it the initial flush. (These are bowel movements that take at least 2 if not 3 flushings.) First off ladies dont poop, let alone drop bombs, but they especially aren't supposed to be proud enough to put their crap on display for the rest of the ladies to find. Holy Gross Batman.

8) Dried boogers on the stall wall. I wish I was lying. Seriously, there is toliet paper to your right and you have the gaul and audacity to pick your nose and wipe it where other people are forced to stare at it? (Not only is there tp to dispense your snot in, but the femine waste basket is on the right of you, you lazy apes.) I give you props though for not picking your nose in front of me. At least you did it behind closed doors you pig.

7) Skids. I know that you eat fried food everyday whether it be in the form of MacDonalds, Taco Bell, Popeyes, Scooters...whatnot...but your dumps are soooo bad that they leave skids every single solitary day? Cant you just keep flushing till these skids dissapear? No, I realize that would take some courtesy and effort on your fat asses part.

6) I get it. I really do. Some ladies just dont give a fuck about maintaining their pubic region. But if your pubes are so long and plentiful that they shed all over the floor and toliet seat, could you please take some scissors, or a weed whacker, and trim that up so the rest of us don't hurl when we walk into a stall? The last thing I want to see, well besides your massive deuce and skids is you knappy pubes. The 1970's called, they want their bush back.

5) Most people don't mind or are used to the smell of their own fecal matter. I however, mind the smell of your feces. I purchase lysol and yet you refuse to use it. I frequently walk down the hall where the bathrooms are and spray the hell outta the hallway because you cows cant spray your shit stench away. Thank you for making me suffocate on the smell of lysol and your ass.

4) The ladies who converse while dumping are absolutely apalling. Its although you are not at all embarassed of the ungodly sounds that are exiting your bodasciously ginormous body and the smell that you are producing seeping through the stall and the door to the hallway. Yet, you chat as though you are making coffee together. How dare you carry on as though you arent making the rest of us totally naseous.

3) The serious lack of handwashing. I know who you are. Stop it, just stop it. It takes 30 seconds to wash your hands. Youre nasty.

2) The smell of dirty vagina. I have never smelled beasts worse than the combination of like 7 of you. You all get your rag at the same time and even just walking by where you sit makes me want to throw myself out of the window. How is it that you cannot smell yourself? The bathroom is 2 stalls big, surely you can smell your odor in there. If you only knew how bad you smelled you would stop placing your dirty pons in the femmy wastebasket and flush those toxic fuckers.

1) The lack of toliet sheaths makes me so sad. It saddens me so much that I cannot even bear to use the "ladies" room. I hold my pee until I get home or go to lunch for fear of being touched by a pube, seeing a left-over Huxtable drop-off, having the dirty vagina stench stick to me, looking at dried boogers, or having to step around pee droplets.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Why I hate the grocery store.

10) ...Spandex is a privledge not a right Bitch, if I wanted to see your ass cheese I would simply ask. Thank you for inspiring me to work even harder at not being you in 10 years. I realize that the only time you have to go grocery shopping is between jazzercising and junior's soccer practice but the least you could do is keep an extra set of sweats in the car to cover up in. I just said No to lunch today. (Gross)

9) ...The annoying little fucktard who stares at me everytime I walk in...well not just me but anything with tits (even mama jazzercise). You need to get out more son. Studying for the GED has got to be tough but every once in a while spice up your life and head back out to the playground. I'm sure they remember you...

8) ...The middle-aged man who always elbows me in the salad bar line. For God's sake man, chill out. I promise I will not take all the hard-boiled eggs or even drop a green pepper in the cheese, just quit with the ovary jabs. The lady comes to re-stock every 4.3 minutes during lunch, there is no need to prevent me from having babies some day because you are rude and impatient.

7)...The wanna-be yuppie bitches that pick up every single sushi case agonizing over which case looks the best. Hello? Is somebody in there? YOU ARE BUYING SUSHI AT DOMINICKS!!!! Stop trying to be pretentious.

6)...The mulleted check out lady. I hate you. You hold up the line by blabbering to every single customer like they give a shit about your cat or your hemroids. We do not care. We are there to purchase food not listen to you whine. Also, I dont care if you like what Im eating, I didnt ask for your opinion.

5)...The other mulleted check out lady. You are almost as bad as the one above, but you at least try to comb your mullet and make yourself presentable to 2005. I like your gold hoops too so that just gives you hella brownie points above Sue. (I seriously hate Sue.)

4)...Rotisserie Chicken. Enough said.

3)...The serious lack of Baked Lays. Whattheshit? Those are my favorite chips and you refuse to carry small bags of them. You will carry flaming hot cheetos in small bags, but not baked lays? That is a big FUCK YOU to the Dominicks in LB.

2)...People who leave their empty carts in a parking spot. I have to get out of my car, move your cart, and then park, holding up at least 3 other cars while I do this. I seriously hope your car is the next car I "accidentally" hit with a shopping cart asshole.

1)...Seeing my grandma at the grocery store. I can't stand her. She freaks me out. I hate the grocery store because I always fear I will see her there. When I do see her, I really do run. She has seen me do this. I pretended, when she called later, that I got my period. I was almost done shopping too. Bitch, why did you have to move to my town???