10 Reasons why I hate (and you should too) My Ex!

10) He has serious halitosis. I realize this is a medical problem. I am fully aware that this is a definite hindurance in some peoples social lives, however, he has halitosis because he is anorexic some days and bulimic the rest of the days of the week. Yep thats right his breath is rank due to reminents of hurl and lack of nutrition...YUM! He is a big dude (not fat nor overly muscular) who thinks like a little bitch. Mind you, he has absolutely no intention of ever cutting back on the booze. Hmmm...wonder why you are gaining weight? bitch.

9) He goes commando. Ultimately, I think this is rad for most people and pretty fucking hot. However, when you go commando and have not yet mastered butt wiping and there are actual skids in your pants...you really should consider wearing boxers, if not a diaper. Especially when you wear the same jeans, with the same skids (just building deeper, darker, ones on top of the day before's) for like 5 days straight. Nope Im not making this up nor exaggerating. Its fucking gross. Youre getting down and dirty, pants are coming off and out of the corner of your eye you see his pants on the floor full of shit. OMG. Its even grosser when I type it out.

8) He cuts his toe nails and then puts them in his mouth once they are off. I could see if he bit them off himself...everyone is guilty of chewing on their nails once in a while, but to actually cut the nail off with clippers and then put it in your mouth is a whole new and delightful situation. He did this with the dead skin he would cut off as well. Oh how I miss our lazy Sunday afternoons!

7) He chews, dips...whatever the fuck its called. He takes heaps of that whacky tabacky and creates a look that only Bubba Gump's mother could love. The way he looked is not what bothered me...the constant spitting was nauseating. Not to mention his morning phlegm (yeah I dont know how to spell that word) routine where he would conjur mucus up until it was no longer filled with chew.

6) He rocked in High School. This kid was the shit...seriously. At least thats what he'd tell me every...single...day...WHOFUCKINGCARES? His class consisted of 80 people, I would hope he was cool. I have been to his town, I have seen his friends...being cool there is not having a kid by the time you are 20 and being able to chug like 18 beers in like 3 hours (puking acceptable). Hey, Al Bundy called, he wants his glory days back.

5) I get it, guys like to/thinks its still funny to fart. Sometimes, it is pretty funny, depending on the situation. Farting while you are at my house eating dinner with my family (grandparents included) is not hilarious, its disgusting and embarassing. Once is an accident...twice...youre just fucked up.

4) His family made me pay for my Thanksgiving dinner plate at FAMOUS DAVES BBQ. Yep, thats where we spent Thanksgiving last year. When the bill came, his uncle grabbed the check (he paid for everyone) and made me and his cousins fiance pay. Areyoufuckingmeintheasswiththis???? Yep, Happy Thanksgiving you redneck hick. BTW...boyfriend...was broke so he didnt even stand up to say anything for me and watched me pay.

3) He has this weird obsession with buttholes. Im stopping there.

2) He liked to...cuddle. Ok..OOOk...OK! I know in retrospect that aspect of him is really not that bad. BUT (You know this is going to be a big one) he had to cuddle ALL OF THE TIME. Going to bed, waking up, watching tv, at a movie, at a bar (yep, at a bar), at the mall, in the car...you name the place and he was all up on this. It was barfy. I cant really blame him though, I am F-I-N-E!!!!

1) Finally, he loved to play with his nipples. Kind of like the cuddling thing, it did not matter where we were, he was playing with his nips. Rubbing them, petting them, flicking them, pinching them...the kid loved his nips. Sure, nips feel good when played with (especially by someone else) but did he really have to play tune in tokyo in front of my mom? I think not. I guess I will just never understand his infatuation with his own nipples. I really do not want to either.

Why I hate the men (and some questionable women) in my office

** _ _ denotes initials

1) _ _ He is the Asian version of Stalin mixed with a young Alex P. Keaton stepping into the GAP. He is a micro-managing sonofabitch. I swear to god this guy sits in his office all day long making his fucking tea (not a racial slur, the actual truth) while devising new ways to make my job here suck even more until I finally cry. (I cry every morning on my way to work and every night on the way home, but Ill be damned if this fucktard sees me cry at work.)

2) _ _ He is the Asian version of White Goodman and Patrick Swayze casually storming/gliding around the office in his mock turtleneck straight outta the "International Male" catalogue while threatening to "kick someones ass" every 3.43 minutes. He openly defies the rules I set (I own the HR dept in my company) because he...well...hates me and talks more shit about me than any bitch did in high school. Good luck my friend being a hateful prick for th rest of your angry life.

3) _ _ Nope, not Jesus Christ, but this kid walks around like he is. Holy Jew Fro Batman. Can I also tell you that one time on a casual Friday this fuckface came into the office with...with...with....yes...a half zip, white spandex bicycling shirt on? OHMYGOD. And he thinks he is better than me? Take your horse gums and rank cologne and go fuck yourself.

4) _ _You are a convicted ped. You know I know this. So, with that knowledge, why do you insist on closing my office door when you need to talk to me? Oh wait...I shouldnt be upset...Im too old for him. But his third chin like lip syncs with his mouth...which might be cool...if I didnt know he was a ped.

5) _ _ This "woman" is the reason I can never use the washroom. (I have done studies and taken surveys.) She is THE (see washroom post) ghost shitter, booger wiper, pee pee dropper, potty talker, skid leaving, jungle bush- hood rat who infringes her right to be nasty upon every single woman in the office. She should have to go take her lunches in the dumpster so she can feel how the rest of feel when we are hungry or feeling good and then have to walk into her world of gross.

6) _ _ Welcome to America...15 years ago. Do you think you could maybe try to learn the language now? Especially since you run an entire department??? I lied when I told him I was a little deaf, I just feel bad always saying...what? What? WHAT!?! Xoxyodogjlkf to you too AG!

7) _ _ Im sorry that you feel like the world owes you. I realize you are black and have had a terrible life of discrimination. I dont care though. I dont want to hear your constant bitching about being black. Guess what...Im a Jew...we are hated too. So shutthefuckup because I dont owe you shit. Either does my company...we are equal opportunity employers. Dizamn my nizzle.

8) aaaaaahhhhh which brings me back to #1. I forgot to add that he has champagne bottles of apple cider in his office. L O S E R. Grow a set, buy some scotch and drink like a man. Or more like a legend...Ron Burgandy that is. Scotch, Scotch, Scotch...I love Scotch.

9) _ _ . I was a special education major for part of college. You absolutely do have fetal alcohol syndrome. Im sorry to have to be the one to break the bad news to you: Youre mom, well, she liked the sauce.

10) _ _ OH. MY. GOD. You are the epitome of every single Mexican joke there ever was. Have some pride ese. You are letting your amigos y tu familia down. You could make something of yourself, but you wont because you are too busy being a vato. Youre stupid.